“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job