If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off