I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!