How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I love art.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”