I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Breaking news:
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”