October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I was just discussing this with my cat
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?