The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”