I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.