It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”