Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What