“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.