“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner