does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Saw online –
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.