If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
philosophical skeletons be like
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it