Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.