I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
sigh
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Yup!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
watergate? u mean a dam??
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet