HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down