The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?