*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
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Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]