ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
You Might Also Like
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
my first dose meeting my second
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding