Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
You Might Also Like
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
describing stardew valley
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.