Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit