What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You Might Also Like
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I don’t make the rules sorry
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.