PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
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cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!