Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
You Might Also Like
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Meow
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination