Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
went fishing caught a bass
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend