I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.