Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You Might Also Like
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Beards are a privilege, not a right
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!