I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I will never stop laughing at this
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour