People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
This hospital has everything
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.