I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*eats only grass-fed donuts
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh