I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
lol
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.