My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
RT if you could go either way.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Perfection.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins