*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
i wish i could marry a nap
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster