Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.