I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
it was love at first sight
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream