IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.