My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My time has come.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.