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Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up