why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it