[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.