COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
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The “baby” on the left….
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁