How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.