Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.