asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
#titanic
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?