Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.