“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
tourist season
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”