[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Said the murderer.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.