Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
You Might Also Like
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”