Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
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cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Britain be like
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.